Loving Yourself: A Lesson I Didn’t Think I’d Need

When I was a kid growing up in La Jolla, self-love wasn’t something I thought much about. My life was a sun-bleached reel of tide pools, lazy surf sessions, and the kind of parental affirmations that felt as steady as the Pacific. “You’re strong,” my dad would say when I chopped up carrots for one of his farmers market demos. “You’re brilliant,” my mom would remind me after every science fair. Self-acceptance wasn’t a lesson I felt I needed—it was just there, like the salty breeze in the air. So, imagine my confusion when I hit my late 20s and realized I wasn’t exactly my own biggest fan.

I thought loving myself would be like catching a wave at Black’s Beach, almost effortless if I timed things right. Spoiler: It wasn’t. This article is about that journey—the messy, sometimes funny, and surprisingly enlightening path to accepting myself as is, imperfections and all.

The Crash-and-Burn Realization

They say self-love is the foundation for great relationships, but I didn’t get that memo until I found myself in a series of not-so-great ones. You know the kind of dating we’ve all been guilty of at least once—the over-analyzing, the walking-on-eggshells, the scrolling through texts trying to decode whether “haha” was too short to be sincere. Every time someone ghosted me or a situationship fizzled, it felt less like their loss and more like another tally mark on my “reasons I’m hard to love” list—which, let me tell you, became longer than a CVS receipt.

The real moment it hit me, though, involved a haircut. Stick with me here. Picture this: I’d just been broken up with (via voicemail, no less), and in a move ripped straight from every rom-com playbook, I decided to chop off six inches of hair. I imagined stepping out of the salon looking like Charlize Theron in Atomic Blonde. Instead, what I got resembled something closer to a wet kelp strand. When I saw my reflection, tears prickled my eyes.

“You’re not crying because of your hair,” my stylist said. (Shoutout to the intuitive wisdom of overly caffeinated San Diego hairstylists.) She was right. It was more profound than that. The truth was, I didn’t like myself enough to feel okay, with or without a spectacular bad breakup haircut.

Why Self-Love Feels Like Paddling Against the Current

Loving yourself sounds easy, but, fun fact, your brain is a total drama queen about change. I’d spent years narrating my story through a self-critical lens, building thought patterns that would’ve made an overworked reality-TV producer proud.

  • “I’m only crushing that deadline because I’m compensating for [insert random flaw here].”
  • “Sure, they said I looked nice, but they probably meant ‘nice for me.’”
  • “Maybe I wouldn’t have been dumped if I was [insert adjective that makes $200-an-hour therapists punch the air in frustration].”

Turns out, it’s easier to be mean to yourself than kind. Why? Because kindness feels vulnerable. Vulnerability, by nature, makes us squirm. And squirming—at least for me—was about as welcome as stepping barefoot on a slimy sea anemone.

But here’s the thing: self-love isn’t about perfect affirmations or self-help clichés written in glitter pen. It’s work. Think of it like surfing—you’re going to biff it off the board plenty of times before you catch a clean wave.

The Tide Turns: Steps That Actually Helped

Of course, knowing I wanted to love myself and actually doing it were two different things. Here are a few practices that shifted the tide for me:

1. Talk to Yourself Like You Would Your Best Friend

One night, while drowning my breakup sorrows in overpriced takeout sushi, I tried the simplest (and hardest) trick: every time I said something self-critical, I asked what I’d say if a friend were in my shoes. Would I tell my friend she wasn’t worth dating because a guy with questionable taste in band tees ghosted her? Absolutely not. She was a queen and deserved better. So, why wasn’t I treating myself like one?

2. Put the Mirror Away, Literally

I decided to spend a weekend without mirrors. Truthfully, this decision came about after seeing an unflattering photo of myself at a beach bonfire and spiraling for two hours about arm angles. Putting away my mirrors meant I wasn’t obsessing over how I looked every five minutes, which freed up brain space to focus on how I felt. Bonus: it made me realize how little other people notice what we’re so hyperfocused on.

3. Give Yourself Permission to Fail Instead of Flogging Yourself for It

One day, inspired by a sea lion I saw waddle confidently off a La Jolla Cove rock, I decided my new motto would be: “At least I tried.” Did sending a bold DM to someone I liked result in a reply? Nope. Did I feel weirdly powerful for doing it anyway? Absolutely.

Sea Change: Small Wins, Big Impact

Little by little, I started treating myself like someone I actually liked. It wasn’t about huge sweeping gestures, like those “treat yourself” shopping sprees TV shows love to glamorize. Sometimes, loving myself meant wearing SPF even on the foggy mornings because future Julianne deserves good skin. Other times, it was saying “no” to plans when my introverted soul needed a recharge, even if FOMO screamed louder than a seagull diving for fries.

And the funny thing? Once I started to appreciate who I was—awkward quirks and all—everything else in my life felt... lighter. This wasn’t the part where my dating life magically transformed into a Disney montage, but guess what? That “alone” time wasn’t lonely anymore.

Relationships with others come and go like the tide, but the one you have with yourself? That’s the coastline. Rock steady if you let it be.

Final Thoughts: You’re Already Enough

If you’re reading this, maybe you’re wondering if it’s worth putting all this work into yourself. Let me save you some time: It is. Write yourself the love letter you wish an ex had written. Compliment yourself the way your bestie lights up your texts when you’re feeling low. Forgive your failures as easily as you forgive your favorite celebrity for their terrible movie role (looking at you, Ryan Reynolds in Green Lantern*).

Self-love isn’t about “fixing” yourself; it’s about learning how to love yourself as you are—which, I promise, is already enough. Think of it like the ocean: ever-changing, yet always beautiful and undeniably powerful. You just have to wade in.