Lessons I Wish I Knew Earlier

There’s a moment in every relationship journey—whether it’s a first date with someone you’ve been crushing on or hitting that weird limbo between “Are we?” and “We are!”—when you can’t help but wish you knew then what you know now. Oh, hindsight, you beautiful little oracle. Like the time I wore mascara to a beach date, only to realize an hour in that I resembled a soggy raccoon. Or when I didn’t trust my gut about someone who, turns out, didn’t even trust themselves. We all have those moments.

But here’s the thing: Every mistake, every awkward conversation, and every misguided eyeliner choice brought me here—to a place where I can (hopefully) help you dodge some of those pitfalls. Let’s dive into the lessons I wish I knew earlier about dating, relationships, and, most importantly, myself.

1. Chemistry ≠ Compatibility

I’ll admit it—I used to mistake butterflies for the birdsong of eternal love. But let me tell you, that fluttery magic doesn’t always mean it’s meant to be. Sometimes, it’s just adrenaline and a really great playlist in the background.

Chemistry? It’s fun. It’s the “oh, this feels like a rom-com” energy we all crave. But compatibility? That’s the difference between lasting happiness and realizing two months in that your values don’t align or that they’ve never heard of separating recyclables.

Actionable Tip: Think of compatibility as the tidepool—layered, intricate, and teeming with what actually sustains life (values, communication, shared goals). Chemistry? That’s like the occasional bright-orange starfish. Cool to look at, but it’s not everything.

2. Communication Is Hotter Than Abs

Speaking of values, here’s a truth that took me an embarrassingly long time to learn: A six-pack is great, but asking, “How can I support you right now?” when you’re stressed? Infinitely better. Communication isn’t just key—it’s the whole dang toolbox. You’ll need it to build trust, navigate conflict, and figure out where to order takeout when hanger strikes at 8 p.m.

I once dated someone who could surf Pipeline (seriously, I thought I was dating a glossy magazine cover), but when it came to expressing emotions, he was emotionally stuck in “airplane mode.” When I finally met someone who made space for my feelings—who didn’t treat vulnerability as a threat—I understood what real intimacy looks like.

Actionable Tip: Practice asking open-ended questions and listening. “How was your day?” is fine, but “What’s something that made you smile today?” dives deeper. Emotional intelligence? That’s the real flex.

3. Don’t Shrink Yourself for Someone Else

Ever tried to be a “cool girl”? Gritting your teeth through camping trips even though you think tent zippers are the devil’s invention? Laughing at jokes you don’t find funny? Been there. Let me tell you, being inauthentic to keep someone else happy is just a fast track to resentment.

I used to think I had to sand down my edges—my enthusiasm, my quirks, even my big opinions. (I once pretended not to care about ocean conservation to impress a guy who was into off-roading. Spoiler: Our values were literally driving in opposite directions.) The truth is, the people who are right for you will appreciate every part of you—even the parts you’re tempted to hide.

Actionable Tip: Resist the urge to fit into someone else’s ideal mold. You’re not a tidepool crab scuttling into the nearest shell; you’re the entire shoreline. The right person will love your waves, unpredictability, and all.

4. Walk Away When You Hear the Sirens

Not the cute, mythological sirens (though, honestly, stay clear of them too). I’m talking about red flags—the subtle or not-so-subtle signs that something isn’t right. It took me way too long to trust my instincts when things felt off. For example, the guy who wouldn’t introduce me to his friends? That wasn’t “taking it slow.” That was him compartmentalizing me into a box labeled “Not Worth the Effort.”

Here’s the harsh truth: Your gut is smarter than your rationalizations. If they avoid direct questions, belittle your passions, or leave you feeling like you’re chasing their attention, it’s time to grab your metaphorical surfboard and paddle away.

Actionable Tip: Make a mental list of your values and boundaries. If someone’s actions don’t align, don’t excuse it. “Love” doesn’t mean overlooking the things that sting.

5. You Can’t “Fix” Someone

Oh, how I tried. In one relationship, I became the unofficial happiness concierge, determined to solve everything that made them sad. Spoiler alert: I failed miserably. People are not fixer-upper houses. They are not broken. They are simply unfinished—like all of us. And trying to be someone’s solution will only lead you to forget your own needs.

It’s tempting to romanticize the idea of “saving” someone—think every Nicholas Sparks movie ever—but it’s not your job to rescue anyone from themselves. What they need is to do the work, and what you need is a partner who supports and celebrates you, not someone who drains your emotional rain barrel.

Actionable Tip: Ask yourself, “Am I trying to love them, or am I trying to rescue them?” The former is empowering. The latter is burnout in disguise.

6. Your Relationship with Yourself Sets the Tone

Yes, this is cliché, but bear with me. You can’t expect to cultivate a healthy, fulfilling connection with someone else if your relationship with you is on shaky ground. I used to settle for breadcrumbs because I believed that’s what I deserved. Newsflash: You are not a seagull chasing scraps. You are the darn beach picnic.

Learning to value yourself—your time, your energy, your dreams—means you’ll no longer tolerate relationships that don’t honor those things. When you’re grounded in who you are, suddenly, dating stops being about filling a void and becomes about sharing your fire with someone who has their own warmth to offer.

Actionable Tip: Spend some time figuring out who you are when you’re single. Treat yourself the way you’d want a partner to treat you. Self-respect has a way of raising the bar.

7. Some Relationships Are Meant to Teach, Not Last

Not every relationship is “The One.” And that’s okay. Some are meant to be teachers on your path—lessons wrapped in human form. It’s painful to let go, but sometimes holding on too tightly is what actually hurts the most.

An important relationship in my life ended when I realized we wanted very different things. At the time, it felt like I’d been knocked off my surfboard by a rogue wave. But in hindsight, that split was the moment I started learning more about myself—my needs, my future, and my capacity for resilience.

Actionable Tip: Instead of beating yourself up over “failed” relationships, ask yourself, “What did I gain from this experience?” Growth often feels awkward before it feels empowering.

Closing Thought

No one ever has it all figured out. Relationships are as unpredictable as the tide—a constant ebb and flow of joy, lessons, and surprises. But that’s the beauty of it, right? You’re not here to get it perfect. You’re here to learn, grow, and—above all—find connections that make you feel as expansive as the ocean itself.

So here’s my advice: Be kind to yourself. Trust your instincts. And remember, the best relationships—whether with others or with yourself—are built one wave at a time.