Growing up in Charleston, I used to believe the old sweetgrass baskets sold at the market were just that: baskets. Functional, sturdy, pretty even, but nothing more. It wasn’t until I watched my grandmother weave one on her porch, hands moving with the deliberate grace of someone turning strands of dry grass into art, that I realized their significance. Each knot connected to a tradition, each design holding centuries of resilience and adaptation. And it hit me—learning to love myself has been a lot like weaving that basket. At first glance, it's messy, tangled, and unclear where the lines connect. But over time, with patience and care, what feels like chaos turns into something beautiful and uniquely yours.
My self-love journey wasn’t a straight shot, though. It meandered, like a Southern river cutting curves through thick marsh. I took a lot of detours involving bad haircuts, toxic situationships, and confusing comparisons to women who seemed to have it all together on Instagram. And yet, like the ancestral rhythms my grandmother hums while she weaves, there was always this quiet call to find wholeness within myself, no matter how tangled I felt. If you’re hearing that call too, let me share what worked—and keeps working—for me.
Stop Letting the Mirror Bully You. Seriously.
If mirrors could talk, mine would’ve said, “Sis, stop.” I spent a shameful chunk of my twenties picking myself apart in reflective surfaces like they were carnival funhouse mirrors and not… actual glass. Too thick here, too thin there. Not enough. Always not enough.
One day, mid-spiral over my crooked smile and the slight gap between my teeth, my mama hit me with a truth bomb: “Ebony, that gap? That’s your father’s smile. And his mother’s before that. You’re carrying us every time you grin. So you better cut it out and smile big.”
Whew. That was a moment. What I first saw as a flaw turned into a stitch in the greater quilt of my family’s legacy. Every stretch mark, scar, and curve became a story, a receipt of a life lived—and proof that I’m far more than the sum of my parts.
Here’s how you can do the same: next time you face the mirror, pay attention to the stories your features tell. Those dark circles? Evidence of late-night study sessions or holding your crying best friend on FaceTime. That dimple on just one side of your face? The punch line that makes you, well, you.
Stop Believing the Highlight Reels of Other People’s Lives
Confession: I used to compare myself to that one girl from college who somehow always looked like a Beyoncé music video just dropped around her. You know the type—clear skin, perfect hair, effortlessly radiant. Meanwhile, I was out here just trying to figure out which deep conditioner wouldn’t turn my curls into a science experiment.
But let me tell you something: everybody has an unedited version of their life. The thing about Instagram is that it's a lot like Charleston in the summer—gorgeous on the surface but so sticky and sweaty underneath. No one posts about those awkward moments when they double-texted or when a bad breakup left them questioning everything but their Netflix password.
It’s freeing to stop peeking over other people’s metaphorical fences and instead tend your own garden. Don’t compare your behind-the-scenes to someone else’s highlight reel. And while you’re scrolling, take a moment to unfollow accounts that don’t uplift or inspire you. Curate your social media spaces like you’d curate your playlist—only the greatest hits allowed.
Learn to Say “No” Without an Apology
Why do we say “yes” so much when every nerve in our body is screaming, “No, absolutely not, do not pass go”? I’ve been there—agreeing to things I knew weren’t meant for me just because I didn’t want to rock the boat, disappoint someone, or come off as difficult. But here’s the thing: saying yes to others when you should say no means saying no to yourself.
One of the biggest lessons self-love has taught me is that boundaries are not punishments—they’re protection. They’re the sturdy, handwoven walls of your sweetgrass basket, keeping the good stuff in and the unnecessary out. And no, setting them doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you someone who respects their own time, energy, and worth. Trust me, there’s nothing worthier than that.
The next time someone asks you for something you don’t want to give—your time, your energy, your emotional labor—practice saying this: “I can’t do that right now.” Not “I’m sorry, I just” or “Maybe if I wasn’t so busy…” Just a clear and calm “Can’t do it.” Period. Mama Oprah approves this message.
Romanticize Your Own Life
I used to think loving myself meant having it all figured out, like some rom-com montage where I buy a fancy apartment and run fully made-up through Central Park. (Spoiler: I did move to NYC briefly; I ran through no parks but did successfully chase a cab once. It’s not the same.)
Turns out, loving yourself doesn’t require a big-budget storyline. It's about finding delight in small moments that are yours alone. It’s drinking sweet tea on your porch while the sun dips below the marshes, making you feel like you're glowing, inside and out. It’s keeping Fridays sacred for personal dance parties in the kitchen while Lizzo blasts unapologetically. It’s choosing to wear that dress you keep saving for “somewhere special” because, here’s the plot twist: you are somewhere special.
Take time to ask yourself: what makes me feel alive today? What fills my basket when it’s running on empty?
Celebrate Your Progress—Even the Baby Steps
The truth about learning to love yourself is that it’s not a one-time thing. It’s not a movie moment when the rain stops and the music swells and you cross a finish line. It’s more like a Gullah gumbo recipe: plenty of room for changes, experiments, resets. Sometimes you get the seasoning just right; sometimes it needs a little more salt. And that’s okay.
To this day, I still have moments of doubt. There are days lasting love feels like a thing I have to fight for, like the resilience my ancestors passed down. But when I start to spiral, I remind myself of how far I’ve come. Baby steps matter, and celebrating them is even more important. Give yourself the high-five, the mental trophy, the metaphorical gumbo simmering in the pot—it all counts.
You Deserve to Feel Whole
Here's the thing, y'all: loving yourself won’t magically fix all your problems or shield you from the messiness of life. But it will make the joy richer, the challenges easier to survive, and the connections with others more authentic. It’s about accepting that you, with all your imperfections and quirks, are already an undeniable miracle of resilience and beauty.
So today, pick up your metaphorical sweetgrass and start weaving. Pour love and care into the design. Don’t worry if it’s messy at first; that’s part of the process. The masterpiece is already tucked inside of you, waiting to take shape. You just need to give it room to grow. And when you finally see it? Smile big—gap and all.
