What The Young Me Didn’t Get About Love (But The Grown Me Finally Does)

There’s a line my mother always used to say, usually while she was simmering ackee and saltfish for Sunday breakfast: “What yuh nuh learn in your house, life ago teach yuh in the street.” I’d roll my eyes every time, but wow, was she on to something. Life, especially love life, wastes no time giving you pop quizzes when you’re least prepared. It’s like being thrown into a reggae dancehall party—it’s loud, unpredictable, and there’s a good chance you’ll step on someone’s toes.

In retrospect, I was tragically naive about relationships in my early 20s. Georgetown taught me about policy and politics, but my education in love? That came through trial and error. Mostly error. Here’s a cheat sheet of lessons I wish someone had handed me back when I thought smooth-talking my way through a conversation was the gold standard of romance.

1. Don’t Overthink the Spark (But Respect the Flame When You Find It)

Let’s start with the myth of "the spark." Nobody warned me how much stock I’d put into this mystical, movie-inspired fireworks moment. I used to think that if I didn’t feel instant chemistry—preferably underscored by some imaginary violins—then the person must not be “The One.” Spoiler alert: real connections often simmer quietly before they boil.

Take me and Danielle from grad school. We met at a conference where I thought her intensity was intimidating and bordering on disinterested. Two months later, we ended up bonding over a shared lack of sleep (curse 3 a.m. problem sets) and a shared love of Patti LaBelle songs. It wasn’t fireworks, but it was a slow burn that felt steady. Did it last? No. But it lasted long enough to teach me that a relationship doesn’t need to start with heat lightning; sometimes, a sturdy, low-burning flame is better.

Lesson learned: Give things a chance to grow naturally. Sparks are exciting, but stability—that’s where the magic is.

2. Your “Type” Is Probably Holding You Back

Here’s the thing about having a “type”: it’s like going to a buffet and only ever eating the mac and cheese. Sure, the mac and cheese slaps, but have you tried the jerk chicken? A type can turn into a blind spot if you’re not careful.

Back in D.C., I was firmly Team Type: ambitious women who moved like they were about to win their next debate competition. And listen—ambition is sexy, no doubt. But by focusing solely on this narrow trait, I missed out on other wonderful qualities in people who didn’t check that specific box. It wasn’t until I accidentally spilled coffee on someone who worked in mural restoration that I realized, “Oh, wait. Dreamers are attractive too.”

Actionable takeaway: Challenge your “type,” at least once. You might surprise yourself. Plus, you don’t want to limit your life’s menu to mac and cheese forever, no matter how good it is.

3. Be More Vulnerable, Even If It’s Scary

Growing up Jamaican-American, love wasn’t always loud and gushy in my household. My mom showed love through homemade soup when you were sick; my dad through jokes and helping fix the faucet before you even realized it was broken. For a while, I thought relationships should mirror that same understated vibe: say less, do more.

But when you combine that with my young D.C. swagger (read: avoidant tendencies), it translated into me being someone who’d rather jump into Potomac politics than openly share feelings like, “Hey, I really like you.” My tipping point came when someone I cared about genuinely asked, "Why won't you just let me in?" She was right. I’d built fences instead of bridges, and good luck growing anything sturdy there.

Tip: Vulnerability is a risk, yes, but it’s worth it. Being open allows love to deepen. And honestly? You’ll save yourself from exasperated partners.

4. If the Vibe Feels Off, Don’t Wait for It to Feel Right

Let’s be real: we’ve all tried to resuscitate a flatlining relationship, thinking, “Maybe if I just give it one more month, they’ll magically turn into the partner I hope for.” Newsflash: flags, red or yellow, rarely change their colors. People either align with you, or they don’t—and trying to force compatibility drains your emotional energy faster than rush hour on the Red Line.

There was a time in Boston when I kept dating someone despite the fact that every conversation eventually turned into a passive-aggressive critique of my “lack of spontaneity.” Man, I was out here trying to defend why I don’t always enjoy ziplining when I should’ve just realized we had different values about what fun looked like. Compatibility isn’t something you negotiate; it’s either there, or it’s not.

Pro tip: Recognize when it’s not working and have the courage to move on. Both of you deserve better than forced effort and polite exhaustion.

5. The Relationship You Have With Yourself Sets the Tone

No, this isn’t some preachy, Eat Pray Love thing, but hear me out. Remember how I mentioned dating Danielle? Before and after her, I noticed the same pattern: I kept craving validation from others in ways that made relationships feel unbalanced. It wasn’t until I started doing the hard work—therapy, journaling, and reconnecting with my roots (shoutout to that memorable solo trip to Kingston)—that I realized being “enough” starts with your own belief in yourself.

Self-esteem is the foundation. Trying to build a relationship house on shaky ground? Bound to collapse. Take care of you first. That’s the best investment you can make before asking someone else to buy into your life.

Final Thoughts: Relationships Are a Journey, Not a Destination

Listen, I don’t have all the answers. Lord knows I’m still figuring some things out myself. But if there’s one truth I’ve learned (and actively practice), it’s this: relationships succeed when they’re rooted in honesty, effort, and shared goals. There’s no single playbook, no perfect formula. And thankfully, love isn’t about perfection. It’s about progress.

So to younger you—or current you—who might be fumbling through the messy, joyful process of figuring out this love thing: trust yourself. Listen, learn, and laugh a lot. And remember, even when it’s complicated, love is worth the lessons. Take care of it as much as you take care of yourself.