Lessons I Wish I Knew Earlier

Introduction: The Trouble with Hindsight
Ah, hindsight. That annoying little voice that shows up too late, like a friend who only texts you days after your heartbreak with “OMG, are you okay?” If only it showed up earlier, like on that first date when I mistook red flags for carnival decorations or during a conversation where I thought “playing it cool” meant suppressing every human emotion. Relationships, dating, and even just existing in tandem with another human being can be a minefield, yet one we always convince ourselves we know how to navigate. Spoiler alert: we don’t—at least not immediately.

I’ve made my share of mistakes, both monumental and subtly cringe-worthy. I’ve also sat through enough late-night tea-fueled therapy sessions with girlfriends to realize I wasn’t alone. So, in the spirit of saving someone out there a few existential crises (or, at the very least, a little embarrassment), here are the lessons I wish I had learned earlier about relationships, love, and everything in between.

1. Be Real, Not Perfect
Have you ever tried to morph into some warped version of yourself just to impress someone? I have, and let me tell you—pretending to love football when you don’t even know the offside rule doesn’t end well. There I was, nodding along as he described what sounded like the battle tactics of 13th-century knights, only to realize I had no idea what I was agreeing to.

Here’s the thing: the right person won’t make you feel like a stage performer, constantly acting out a role that isn’t yours. The harsh (but liberating) truth is that pretending to be someone you’re not only guarantees one thing—a messy breakup when the act inevitably falls apart. So, if you love niche French cinema and detest their chain restaurant obsession, say it. If you’re deeply uncool and still use air quotes, lean in. It’s exhausting to maintain a sparkly, curated version of yourself, and the best connections happen when you’re unapologetically real.

Pro Tip:
- Shed the mental checklist of “ideal partner” traits. Nobody is perfect, and chasing “perfection” just leaves you tired. Instead, focus on real compatibility and shared values.

2. Own Your Boundaries, or Prepare for Burnout
A friend once told me, “Boundaries aren’t walls—they’re doors with locks.” At first, I thought she was quoting a Pinterest board, but then I realized she was onto something. The mistake I made early on was equating boundaries with being selfish. So I spent way too much time saying "yes" to things that drained me, tolerating behavior that chipped at my self-worth, and prioritizing other people's needs over my own. Trust me, there’s no award for self-sacrificing to the brink of exhaustion.

Setting boundaries is like learning to say “no” without the guilt. It’s declining a last-minute “come over” text when you're already in your pajamas binge-watching a Turkish soap opera. It’s calmly explaining your zero-tolerance policy for ghosting games or emotional breadcrumbing. And, spoiler alert, the people who respect you will stay.

Pro Tip:
- Boundaries are sexy. People who know what they want—and what they won’t accept—project confidence. Nobody ever looked at a doormat and thought, “Wow, what a catch.”

3. Love is a Verb, Not Just a Feeling
I used to think love was that swoony montage we’ve seen in every romcom featuring Paris: stolen glances by the Seine, lazy breakfasts of croissants and coffee, and maybe a heart-shaped lock on a bridge if I was feeling especially cinematic. (I blame you, Richard Linklater, for my unrealistic expectations.)

But the thing is, those butterflies don’t do your laundry or listen to your tenth retelling of an office rant. Real love isn’t just found in grandiose gestures; it’s in the little daily efforts. It’s when someone remembers your favorite tea without asking, or when you both choose to hash out an argument rather than letting it fester. Love doesn’t just “happen” to you—think of it like a houseplant. It needs regular watering, sunlight, and, occasionally, repotting when things feel stagnant.

Pro Tip:
- Stop measuring love solely by its intensity. The slow burn is often more sustainable—and deeply fulfilling—than the fireworks-and-chaos kind.

4. Stop Playing Detective—Trust Is Key
Let me paint a picture: 23-year-old me scrolling through screenshots with the forensic precision of someone solving an international conspiracy. Why hadn’t he texted me in five hours? Who was that “Emily” who liked his post? Was I about to be blindsided by a Netflix-level plot twist?

But here’s the hard truth I learned: if you’re constantly playing Sherlock, the relationship is already on shaky ground. Trust isn’t built from obsessive monitoring or paranoia; it’s built from open communication and a mutual willingness to be… well, not shady. Anytime I’ve found myself sleuthing, it’s either been because of my insecurity or his sketchy behavior. Either way, it wasn’t healthy.

Pro Tip:
- If you find yourself needing to investigate, dig deeper into why. Are there genuine red flags, or are you projecting unaddressed fears? A relationship built on trust allows room for both emotional safety and independence.

5. Don’t Overlook Yourself in the Equation
Here’s a question I wish I’d asked myself more often: “In all this effort to make them happy, am I also happy?” I’ve had relationships where I focused so much on making the other person’s life easier that I forgot to nurture my own joy. Relationships are about two people, not one person orbiting the other like a lesser moon.

Being in a relationship shouldn’t mean shrinking yourself to fit into someone else’s life—it’s about growing parallel to someone who celebrates your passions, quirks, and ambitions. Pursue your hobbies. Keep up with your friends. Make time for yourself. I’ve found that the more full and vibrant my own life is, the healthier and happier my relationships become.

Pro Tip:
- Schedule “you time” like it’s sacred. It’s easier to love and connect with others when you feel rooted in your sense of self.

6. Red Flags Are Not DIY Projects
I get it—the temptation to ignore a glaring red flag is real. After all, we can fix it, right? He doesn’t text back, but he’s just “busy.” She keeps criticizing you, but “she had a tough childhood.” I used to see red flags as a challenge, like some romcom heroine destined to reform her bad boy. Spoiler: Never works.

People don’t change unless they want to. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Rearrange furniture, not people. Life is too short to be someone’s unpaid therapist—or worse, their emotional punching bag.

Pro Tip:
- If you spot one red flag, look around. There’s usually a parade of them waiting in the wings. Cut your losses and walk away boldly.

Conclusion: Advice to My Younger Self (and You)
If I could whisper one thing to my younger self—and maybe to you—it’s this: You’re worthy of a love that feels like partnership, not performance. Relationships are messy and beautiful, challenging and rewarding. It’s okay to stumble. It’s okay not to know everything. Nobody hands you an instruction manual, but with every misstep, you get closer to writing your own guidebook.

So here’s to trusting your gut, setting your boundaries, and being brave enough to love yourself first. Because at the end of the day, the relationship that will change your life most profoundly is the one you build with yourself. The rest? That’s the cherry on top. 🍒