Lessons I Wish I Knew Earlier
Let’s face it: relationships don’t come with a manual. If they did, the troubleshooting section would probably span a hundred pages. In my twenties, I naively believed I had all the answers. Spoiler alert: I didn’t. Now, a few heartbreaks, cultural mishaps, and humbling moments later, I’ve gathered some wisdom worth passing down. So, here’s the good stuff—lessons I wish I’d learned earlier about life and love, seasoned with a dash of humor and plenty of real talk.
1. Stop Chasing “Perfect”
Growing up in Lagos, my mom had a phrase she’d say when I got too fussy with my choices: “Do you want happiness, or do you want decoration?” At eight, it applied to my refusal to eat her yam porridge. Later, in my twenties, I realized it applied to relationships too.
Here’s the hard truth: perfection doesn’t exist. Your ideal partner is allowed to have human flaws, just like you. I once dated someone who ticked off every superficial box: smart, beautiful, ambitious. But when it came to emotional vulnerability? Sis had the emotional availability of a lamp. What I’ve learned is this: compatibility is about connection, not perfection. Look for someone whose quirks you find endearing, not a checklist fit for a rom-com.
2. Your Relationship Shouldn’t Feel Like an Olympic Event
A good partnership isn’t supposed to feel like you’re in an unending sprint. If you’re constantly jumping through hoops just to earn their love or respect—red flag. Or as my Nigerian aunties might say, “You’re sweating more than a pepper soup seller. Why?”
In one relationship, I twisted myself into a pretzel trying to impress someone. I memorized their favorite indie bands, adopted quirky coffee orders, and even joined a yoga class to seem zen. Turns out, being a replica isn’t romantic; it’s exhausting. The best relationships let you exhale. You can show up as yourself—Afrobeats playlists and all—and still be cherished.
3. Communication Over Assumptions Every Time
There’s a Yoruba proverb I love: “The one who asks for directions does not get lost.” Do you know what gets lost? Relationships where assumptions eat away at trust.
Here’s an example: I once took a girl home to my Nigerian parents. She mistook their endless questions—“What tribe are you from?” or “Do you know how to cook jollof rice?”—as personal attacks. In reality, that’s just love in translation. My parents were curious, but I failed to prepare her for it. Cue the awkward dinner table silence.
Lesson? Say out loud what you think is obvious. Whether it’s boundaries, expectations, or introducing someone to your culture’s quirks, clarity builds bridges.
4. Don’t Be Afraid to Call It Quits
This one stung to learn. Growing up in an immigrant household, I had a front-row seat to my parents’ relentless work ethic. That grit bled into my relationships: if something wasn’t working, I thought I just needed to try harder. Wrong.
Some matches aren’t made to last forever, and that’s okay. Clinging to something out of fear—fear of loneliness, fear of failure, fear of “What will people think?”—does nothing but chip away at your joy. Walking away doesn’t mean you failed. It means you value yourself too much to settle.
5. Celebrate the Awkward Moments
Romance isn’t always grand gestures and poetic declarations. Sometimes it’s spilling suya (if you know, you know) on your date’s shirt or mispronouncing their favorite sushi roll with confidence. Relationships thrive on these unscripted, unpolished moments.
I still laugh about the time I tried to recreate the Big Surprise Date trope from every romantic comedy ever. I planned a boat ride, not realizing my partner got seasick easily. Five minutes in, and we were both clinging to the railing, nauseous, silently blaming each other. It’s funny now because connection grows stronger in the little, human errors.
6. Your Identity Is Yours, Not Your Relationship’s
When I was younger, I sometimes allowed relationships to swallow me whole. I became “Malik, the boyfriend,” instead of just Malik. Here’s the truth: love that requires you to shrink yourself isn’t worth it.
I’ve learned to keep my passions and individuality front and center. I am a writer who cries every time I reread Chinua Achebe’s Things Fall Apart. I sing terribly to Fela during Saturday cleaning marathons. I dig into my love of jazz and obscure indie films because they’re mine, not a couple’s activity. Protect your identity fiercely—you’ll love better when you come from a whole and confident place.
7. Self-Love Isn’t Just a Buzzword
I’ll admit it: when people first mentioned “self-love,” I rolled my eyes. It sounded like the type of thing Pilates instructors on Instagram shouted while drinking green juice. But here’s the kicker—it’s actually transformative.
Before I could build healthy relationships, I had to fill the gaps I was hoping others would solve for me. It wasn’t easy. I confronted insecurities I was too scared to admit aloud. I learned to take myself on dates: bookstores, street fairs, or just quiet walks with headphones and Coltrane as my soundtrack. Loving myself taught me that I didn’t need to look for someone to “complete” me. I wasn’t incomplete to begin with.
8. Humor Saves the Day
The best love stories I know rely on a good belly laugh. Life is messy—so are relationships. If you can’t laugh about the time your partner clogged the sink trying to chop plantains (don’t ask), what’s the point? Humor eases tension and sharpens intimacy.
I joke that dating me means you automatically join Team Chaos. I once showed up to a date with mismatched socks because, apparently, humidity scrambled my brain that day. Instead of judgment, my date said, “Well, at least you’re coordinated in spirit.” We laughed, and that moment melted any awkwardness. Never underestimate the power of a bad pun or a shared giggle.
Final Thoughts: You’re Doing Just Fine
Here’s the incredible thing about all of this: you don’t have to figure it out overnight. Love is a series of lessons, not a pass/fail exam. No matter where you are on your journey—navigating the beauty of first dates or building something lasting—you’re exactly where you’re meant to be.
So, keep going. Lean into the awkward, the amazing, the heartwarming, and (yes) the occasional heartbreak. Because every step is teaching you something valuable. And before you know it, you’ll have your own arsenal of lessons to share—plus a few stories to laugh about over suya and wine.
