“What They Don’t Tell You About Love: Lessons I Wish I Knew Earlier”

Look, here’s the truth: nobody emerges into adulthood fully equipped with all the relationship wisdom they need. Love, like learning how to drive a stick shift or perfecting your risotto, takes practice, a healthy dose of trial and error, and, sometimes, a little heartbreak.

I’ll admit it: my twenties were peppered with misguided attempts at romance. Some moments felt like they were ripped straight out of a rom-com (when you bump into someone cute at the park; très adorable). Others? More like cringe-inducing comedy specials (such as crying over someone who called me “Juliet” for six months without realizing that wasn’t my name). But in all of this, I learned a few things that saved me a lot of unnecessary heartbreak and late-night texting spirals. And because I firmly believe that lessons are better shared than hoarded, let me impart some hard-won truths to you.

1. Butterflies Are Overrated (And Sometimes a Red Flag)

Movies have ruined us. They sold us the myth that if you meet someone and don’t immediately feel an electrical storm ripping through your body, they’re not "The One." But here’s a secret: those fluttering butterflies? Sometimes they're your intuition warning you about a toxic situation, not an indicator of undying love.

True connection often feels calm, not chaotic. It’s like slipping on a perfectly worn-in sweater, not trying to wrestle into a pair of jeans two sizes too small. I once ignored this for a guy whose idea of a great date was rewatching “Fight Club” on loop. Spoiler: the red flags were flying, but my butterflies were way too busy doing somersaults to notice. Lesson learned—next time, trust the sweater feeling over the whirlwind.

2. You’re Not a “Fixer-Upper Service”

Repeat after me: “I am not Bob the Builder. No fixing necessary.” If someone’s life is in shambles and they treat you like a personal growth seminar, head for the hills. Love is about mutual support, not unpaid emotional labor.

Once, I dated a guy who insisted he couldn’t get his life together because Mercury was in retrograde. That retrograde lasted three years. Somewhere along the line, I realized I wasn’t his therapist or his life coach—I was a person worthy of (and ready for) a real partnership. And so are you.

No, you can’t “fix” anyone. (But good news! Circling back to point one, you can learn to love people who don’t come with an exhaustive list of repairs.)

3. Compatibility Isn’t Chemistry—It’s a Grocery List

Chemistry is great; it keeps date-night conversations lively and kisses memorable. But compatibility? That’s the thing that gets you through flu season, sticky IKEA assembly instructions, and awkward encounters with your nosy Aunt Brigitte over the holidays.

Think of compatibility as your shared “grocery list” in relationships—what do you both bring to the table? Do you laugh at the same things? Want the same things? Can you sit together in comfortable silence? A great relationship isn’t built on fiery debates about whether pineapple belongs on pizza (for the record: yes, it does) but on cold Sunday mornings when the only topic of discussion is whether to hit snooze one more time.

4. Love Should Be an Addition, Not a Distraction

One thing I wish someone had thrown at me in neon letters: love isn’t supposed to fix everything else in your life. Instead, a healthy relationship complements it. If you’re ditching friendships, skipping your Thursday Pilates class, or turning into a ghost in your own life for someone? Big nope.

I remember canceling plans with friends repeatedly because I thought spending one more evening with a partner would “prove” my dedication. Spoiler alert: it didn’t. All it proved was that I had neglected everything else I’d worked hard to build.

Pro tip: Keep your hobbies, your pals, your Sunday-night roast chicken ritual—it’s your life, after all. The right person will fit in, not bulldoze over it.

5. Set Boundaries (And Actually Stick to Them)

Setting boundaries is one thing; enforcing them? That’s where it gets tricky. I’m not saying you need to sit down and deliver a PowerPoint slideshow on your non-negotiables, but you do need to know what they are—and stick to them.

For me, this realization came during an excruciating two-hour conversation when someone I was dating refused to let me hang out alone with my guy friends. Did I stand firm? Nope. Instead, I stumbled out something about “understanding his feelings” and spent months policing my social life to ease his insecurities. Spoiler alert: it didn’t work. When setting boundaries (about your time, relationships, or pizza toppings), hold your ground. Boundaries don’t make you difficult—they make you emotionally healthy.

6. Don’t Ignore the Quiet Breakups

We talk about big, explosive breakups like they’re the only kind. But the truth is, relationships often end in tiny micro-breakups—when you stop being curious about each other, stop laughing together, stop dreaming as a team. Those moments matter just as much as the dramatic exits (tearful Marc Jacobs sunglasses toss: optional) people talk about in breakup playlists.

I’ve been in relationships where the quiet break took me months to even notice. By the time the actual breakup rolled around, the emotional connection had packed its bags long ago. The lesson? Pay attention to the closeness. Nourish it. It’s the lifeblood of your connection.

7. Being Alone is (Actually) Great Practice

You know what hit me the hardest during my time studying in Paris? The realization that being alone—truly alone, walking through cobblestone streets and eating croque-monsieur for one—isn’t lonely. It’s freeing. Romanticizing your own company is probably the smartest dating “hack” I’ve stumbled upon.

The time I spent solo-journeying through the Marais taught me that independence is not just empowering—it’s essential. Once you’re comfortable with yourself, you’re less likely to cling to relationships that don’t serve you. Anyone who comes along is gravy; you’re the main dish.

8. It’s Okay to Break Your Own Rules

Here’s the curveball: every love story is different, and not even the greatest advice (including this) is foolproof. For example, I once said I could “never” date someone long-distance—impossible, I insisted! And then, years later, cue candlelit walks along the cobblestone streets of Vieux-Québec with someone who, as it turns out, made the flights worth it.

Don’t let your “rules” stop you from experiencing the beautiful, messy unpredictability of connection. Sometimes, breaking your own rules is how you get to rewrite the ending.

Conclusion: Whatever You Do, You’ve Got This

If I could boil all of this down into a single takeaway, it’s this: don’t be so hard on yourself. Love isn’t a straight line, a perfectly frosted wedding cake, or a pop song with a catchy chorus. It’s a dance—a little clumsy at first, but so much fun once you learn the rhythm.

So, embrace the mess. Laugh through the awkward dinner dates, learn from the ones that fizzle out, and don’t ever forget that your relationship with yourself holds the blueprint for all the others.

And hey—if anyone calls you by the wrong name for six months? Just drop a dramatic “Actually, it’s Juliette” before gracefully leaving. Trust me, it’s empowering.