When Things Go Awry in Love: What They Learned from It
The Great Reality Check: Why Real Love Sometimes Gets Messy
We've all been there. One moment, the butterflies are fluttering in synchrony, and you're dreaming of matching Ankara outfits for the next wedding. The next moment, you're fighting over why they had the audacity to double-tap their ex's Instagram picture from 2018. Relationships are messy. And that's not a bad thing. In fact, the mess—the misunderstandings, the painful lessons, and even the spectacular failures—can teach us more than the smooth sailing ever will.
But how do people actually get through when their relationship goals turn to relationship gory? I had a deep dive into conversations with folks who’ve hit emotional potholes (we’re talking Abuja riddled-road-level potholes) and come out the other side better for it. Here's what they learned when love went a little, or a lot, off script.
1. You Cannot Fix Someone (And That’s Not Your Job Anyway)
Blessing, a fiercely independent entrepreneur I met over jollof rice and suya at a Lagos potluck, told me about a relationship where she fell for a man with... let’s just say, "potential." “I was so busy imagining his growth arc,” she said, laughing now, “that I forgot to ask if he even wanted to grow.”
Many of us have played the role of a DIY therapist in relationships—trying to patch up cracks in someone else's self-esteem or motivate them into being more ambitious. Newsflash: fixing people is a terrible strategy for love. As Blessing put it, “You can't dream for two people in a relationship. Everyone needs to bring their own vision to the table.”
Learn From It:
- The right relationship is a partnership, not a renovation project.
- If someone isn't meeting you halfway, don’t carry the entire journey on your back. We’re partners, not luggage handlers.
2. Conflict Isn’t the Villain—Avoidance Is
Let me take you to London. Specifically, a soggy park bench where my friend Nnamdi explained how his last relationship fell apart despite the fact that he and his ex “never fought.” At first, this sounded ideal. No fighting? That’s peace, right? But as Nnamdi explained, “We avoided every difficult conversation. It was like tiptoeing around a porcelain vase that we knew would crack if we touched it.”
What Nnamdi learned (with the help of a brutally honest therapist, thank you London!) is that unresolved issues are like Nigerian jollof left out overnight—they only get worse. Avoidance might feel like keeping the peace at first, but over time, it eats away at the foundation of a healthy relationship.
Learn From It:
- Arguments can be productive if they are fair and respectful.
- Use “I” statements instead of “You” accusations when tackling issues. “I feel unappreciated when…” > “You never appreciate me!”
- If you’re scared to bring something up, ask yourself: What’s scarier—discussing the issue now, or watching resentment grow?
3. Your Identity Shouldn’t Shrink in a Relationship
In South Africa, during a work trip with a brilliant activist named Tumi, I learned a lesson that has stuck with me since. Tumi’s whirlwind romance with her ex had her “absorbing his hobbies like a sponge.” Before she knew it, she was hiking (which she hated), watching rugby (which she tolerated), and listening to his obscure EDM playlists (which she, frankly, loathed).
The relationship ended when she realized she woke up one morning and barely recognized herself. “I was so desperate to make him happy, I lost sight of what made me happy.”
This is an easy trap to fall into, especially in a culture that sometimes glorifies "submission" in relationships. Loving someone doesn't mean dissolving who you are.
Learn From It:
- A good relationship amplifies your individuality rather than diminishing it.
- Keep track of your passions, friendships, and routines. They are as much a part of the relationship as Netflix date nights.
- It's okay to support your partner’s hobbies, but don’t trade your identity for their approval.
4. Timing Is Everything (Even When It Breaks Your Heart)
Back during my university days in Lagos, my friend Femi had what can only be described as a Nollywood level romance with his girlfriend—the connection was electric. They had plans upon plans, dreaming of starting a small business together and moving abroad. But timing? It laughed in their faces.
Femi graduated, got a dream job in Abuja, and the distance just… got too much. “It was hard for us to accept that love wasn’t enough. But timing mattered.” When he ended it, he felt like the villain, even though he knew he had no choice.
Sometimes, love doesn’t fail because the chemistry is off but because life places you in the wrong place at the wrong time. And hear me when I say this: that is not a moral or personal failure. It's just reality.
Learn From It:
- Some relationships are stepping stones, not lifetimes. And that’s okay.
- If the timing is wrong, acknowledge the love, and let go with grace.
5. Listen to Your Village (But With Caution)
And then we have my cousin Ada’s story, which might as well be titled: “When Nigerian Aunties Attack.” The entire family was obsessed with her boyfriend. He checked all the "ideal man" boxes—handsome, rich, Igbo, and prayed loudly at family gatherings. But all that glitters isn't spiritual gold.
Privately, he was controlling and dismissive of her dreams to pursue law school. But as she told me later, “How could I break it off when my mum was already talking about asoebi colours for the wedding?”
When she finally ended it, there was public backlash. Yet over time, those same aunties (even the loudest judgey one who owns a catering business, you know the type) began to see her happiness shining through.
Learn From It:
- Value the advice and approval of family and friends, but trust your instincts first.
- If someone makes you question your worth or limits your potential, it doesn’t matter if the entire village adores them. Your life, your choice.
Conclusion: Own the Lessons, Skip the Shame
When love goes awry, it's tempting to spiral into a pit of self-blame or bitterness. But here’s the thing: relationships are laboratories, not certainties. Each one—whether it’s a fling that fizzles or a love that lingers—teaches us something new. About love. About boundaries. And most importantly, about ourselves.
As I reflect on my own journey, from heartbreaks on the streets of Lagos to transformative love lessons in London and beyond, one thing stands out: nothing is ever wasted. Even the messiest moments become compost for future blossoms.
So, to anyone whose relationship story has taken a plot twist, remember this: you haven’t failed. You’ve learned. Keep your heart open, your lessons close, and as Burna Boy would say, just “gbese” (dance) through it.
