Why Do We Settle For Less? Understanding the Fear of Leaving a “Meh” Relationship

Relationships are like jollof rice at a party—ideally, they’re rich, spicy, and filled with flavor. But sometimes, you take a bite and realize it’s bland. By then, you’re already holding the plate, convincing yourself it’s rude to toss it. Why do we do this with people we date?

Let me set the scene: You’re in a relationship that’s largely fine. It’s not thrilling, but it’s not awful either. You’ve grown used to it—even fond of certain parts. Your family likes them, your friends think they’re “nice,” and every now and then, they surprise you with breakfast in bed or a pair of socks they swear screamed your name at Target (they didn’t).

But something feels...off. Not “I need to call a therapist” off, but enough to wonder: Am I happy, or just comfortable?

Let’s talk about why we settle for “meh” when we might deserve fireworks.

The Familiar Trap

“Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.” That phrase has survived generations for a reason. Fear of the unknown is king when it comes to keeping us tethered to relationships past their best-before date.

I’ve been there—dating someone who checked all the acceptable boxes but never gave me butterflies or sparked late-night musings about our collective future. I stayed because familiarity was comforting; it reminded me of my family’s modest rituals back in Lagos and the predictability of Brooklyn bodegas, where the answer to “Got Pepsi?” is always somehow “You sure you don’t want Fanta instead?” Stability can be soothing, even when it’s not fulfilling.

We convince ourselves we can “make it work” until one day, that one petty habit cracks the dam. Suddenly, every toothpaste cap left unscrewed feels like a personal attack, and you find yourself rage-googling, “Can hip-hop soul playlists cure bitterness?” No playlist, regardless of how hard Mary J. Blige goes, can fix repressed discontent.

Fear of Being Alone

Let’s address the big elephant in the room here. For many of us, the thought of being single is scarier than being in a lackluster relationship. After all, Netflix queues, wedding RSVPs, and Sunday brunches can feel a little less glamorous without a plus-one.

But staying just to avoid “table for one” situations does a disservice—not just to you but also to your partner. Let’s be honest, they probably sense that your enthusiasm for date nights is hovering somewhere between washing day-old dishes and folding fitted sheets.

My mom always said, in her warm but firm Nigerian tone, “Alone doesn’t mean lonely.” And while it took me years to internalize this, she’s absolutely right. Craving companionship isn’t a reason to hobble along in mediocrity. Netflix and Chinese takeout for one are infinitely better than anxious dates where you’re tempted to start an argument just to feel something.

The Sunk Cost Fallacy

Ah yes, the classic “But I’ve already invested so much time in this!” trap. This is what economists call the sunk cost fallacy—or as I call it, the “I’ve been standing in the line for 45 minutes, so I might as well wait for the bad fries” logic. You feel like all the years, emotional labor, and shared Hulu passwords are too much to walk away from.

But let’s be real: If you’re still hanging on solely because of time spent, can you see yourself doing another three years, five years, or ten on the same plateau? Relationships aren’t about collecting stamps for time served. They’re about joy, growth, and connection. The sooner you free yourself, the sooner you’ll make room for something that sets your soul alight (or at least doesn’t make you second-guess your ringtone choice when they call).

When Culture Gets in the Way

For many of us from immigrant families, cultural expectations wield an incredible influence on our romantic decisions. “What will people think?” isn’t just rhetorical—it’s the silent soundtrack to every relationship milestone. Breaking up sometimes feels less like untangling from a person and more like disappointing an entire lineage.

I still remember when I ended things with my first serious girlfriend. Mutual friends whispered, my uncle slyly asked if I was “waiting too long to marry,” and one aunt outright told me I’d let go of a woman who could cook exceptional egusi stew. But staying just to appease people adds layers of resentment—to the relationship, to them, and ultimately to yourself.

Here’s the thing: You’re the one in the relationship. Not your aunt. Not societal judgment. Not some imaginary scoreboard measuring relationship “success” by length. Cultural expectations can weigh heavy, but don’t let them keep you trapped.

What Does “Deserving More” Look Like?

We’re always told “you deserve better,” but what does that mean without veering into rom-com clichés? Here’s a non-cheesy guide to knowing whether you’re aiming high enough:

  • Feel Alive, Not Just Existing: Your relationship shouldn’t feel like Monday mornings dressed in human form. Even during rough patches, there should be a consistent undercurrent of mutual excitement or joy.

  • Growth Over Grudges: Relationships are work (we’ve all read that on Instagram), but they should feel like collaboration, not arbitration. If you’re growing together emotionally, intellectually, spiritually—or heck, even finally starting that DIY garden—you’re probably on the right path.

  • Being Seen—Really Seen: Does your partner truly get you? Your quirks, your dreams, that secret playlist of Afrobeats love songs you named “Frolicking Vibes”? Or are you constantly shrinking yourself to fit into a role they need? You deserve to be fully, immensely you.

Breaking Free Isn’t Failure

This part’s important, so let’s say it louder for the people at the back: Leaving a “meh” relationship isn’t failure—it’s growth. Walking away takes immense courage, especially when the road ahead looks foggy. No one wants to hurt someone they care about, but staying out of fear of rocking the boat just delays the inevitable.

Love isn’t about settling for “good enough.” It’s about leaping, laughing, and yes, occasionally crying in pursuit of something extraordinary. There’s no shame in calling it quits if your heart’s quietly whispering, “Something’s missing here.”

Trust me—whether it happens two months later or during a random Tuesday at Trader Joe’s, you’ll feel it when you step into a connection that fully ignites you. Don’t let inertia keep you from finding it.

So, grab your metaphorical plate, toss out that subpar jollof (no offense to amateur party chefs), and load up with something worthy of your soul. You deserve every last fiery and flavorful bite.

Your joy can’t be negotiated. Go claim it.