How I Learned to Love Myself

Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, “Who even is that?” Not in a “bad hair day” way (although, hello, humid August mornings), but in the deeper, existential, I-don’t-recognize-myself-anymore way? That was me a couple of years ago, standing in the fluorescent-lit bathroom of my Montreal apartment, wondering how many versions of me had come and gone in the name of trying to be “enough.” Spoiler alert: I’d lost count.

Here’s the thing about self-love—they don’t teach it in school. You can quote Rupi Kaur poems, sprinkle in some yoga, or binge-watch Eat, Pray, Love and still come up short. Loving yourself seems simple in theory, but in practice? It’s more complex than assembling IKEA furniture without a manual. But through trial and (a whole bunch of) error, I’ve realized self-love isn’t about crossing some mythical finish line where confetti rains down and you suddenly feel worthy. It’s a journey. And spoiler alert: it doesn’t involve comparing yourself to Instagram influencers with suspiciously perfect morning routines.

Let’s break it down.

Step One: Stop Chasing Perfection (Because It’s a Trap)

I grew up in the heart of Montreal, where style rules the streets and croissants are a religion. As a kid, I used to think perfection was like walking into a boulangerie and never dropping crumbs: graceful, untouchable, effortless. In reality, perfection is an overbaked concept nobody can swallow, no matter how glossy it looks.

My “Aha!” moment came during my semester in Paris. I’d idolized the French aesthetic for years—oh, you know the one: chic hair undone (but still perfect), mismatched outfits that somehow scream Vogue. One week in, I realized those perfectly imperfect French women weren’t trying harder to be effortlessly cool. They just were. Meanwhile, I was trying to achieve effortless while, ironically, killing myself for it.

So, here’s the thing: perfection is a hamster wheel. The more you chase it, the faster it spins, and spoiler alert—you don’t get anywhere. Chasing perfect won’t make someone love you more, and it sure won’t make you love yourself. The key? Embrace the crumbs. Life’s messy—let it be.

Step Two: Talk to Yourself Like You’d Talk to Your Best Friend

If you’ve ever gone through a breakup, you probably know how to comfort a friend. “Forget them—they totally peaked in high school anyway!” But when it’s you? Oh, we pull no punches. I’m talking the full inner monologue roast. “No wonder they left; you probably chewed too loudly during dinner.”

It took me years to realize I was my own worst heckler. Case in point: I once spiraled over someone ghosting me after three dates, assuming I was somehow broken in ways that only a therapist could unearth. A friend of mine finally said, “Would you let me talk like that about myself? No? Why is it okay when it’s you?”

That hit me hard. Imagine how much lighter life could feel if we gave ourselves the same compassion we readily (and sometimes excessively) dole out to our closest allies. Next time you mess up—or have a night crying over someone who pronounced croissant like “craw-SAAANT”—try this experiment: treat yourself with the same grace you’d give someone you love.

Step Three: Redefine Your Relationship Status—With Yourself

There’s a common dating trope—you’ve heard it: “You can’t love someone else until you love yourself.” But let’s be honest, self-love isn’t some prerequisite course for dating; it’s an independent degree you earn day-by-day. For much of my twenties, I thought being single was a temporary problem to solve, like forgetting your umbrella in the rain. It wasn’t until I began exploring my identity outside of partnership that I realized confidence doesn’t come from “finding the one,” but from becoming someone you’d date yourself.

For me, that meant rediscovering old hobbies I’d long abandoned. I started painting again, mostly mediocre watercolors of Montreal skylines, but that hardly mattered. What mattered was reclaiming tiny, joyful moments that reconnected me to who I was—independent of anyone else. Trust me, there’s magic in treating yourself like someone worth investing in. Spoil yourself. Take yourself out for croissants (and don’t feel bad about eating two). Remember: you’re not a draft waiting to be finalized. You’re already a masterpiece in progress.

Step Four: Accept That “Self-Love” Doesn’t Guarantee a Drama-Free Life

A tough lesson for me was recognizing that self-love isn’t a ticket to constant bliss. Let me illustrate: there was a time, post-breakup, when I started doing all the “right” things. I journaled. I meditated. I even drank kale smoothies (against my better judgment). Yet some days, I still felt heavy—like someone had hit pause on joy and forgotten to press play again. At first, I thought I was failing at the whole self-love thing.

But then it hit me: loving yourself doesn’t mean you won’t face insecurities, doubt, or a good existential cry at 2 a.m. (I blame French wine and Amélie.) Instead, loving yourself means showing up for yourself even when it gets hard. Think about it like this: life is an unpredictable road trip. Self-love is your emergency snack stash—not a guarantee against flat tires, but proof you’ll make it through, anyway.

Bonus: The Pop Quiz That Changed Everything

Okay, small confession: whenever I hit a rough patch, I pull out a napkin or a notebook and scribble down five small but positive things about myself. (Yes, it’s cheesy, but bear with me.) Even on bad days, there’s always something—“I’m kind when my friend needs a vent session,” “I make really good scrambled eggs,” “I’m tenacious, even when IKEA directions betray me.”

The point? Positives are still there, even when you don’t feel them outright. If you can train your brain to find little victories, eventually, they start feeling bigger. Corny? Sure. Effective? Absolutely.

The Love Story You’ve Been Waiting For

Here’s where we zoom out: self-love isn’t a destination you reach, it’s a relationship—likely the most important one you’ll ever have. Some days, it feels effortless, like soaking up Montreal’s summer festivals with an iced latte in hand. Other days, it’s more tense, like hanging twinkle lights and realizing you’ve tangled the cord for the 10th time.

But here’s the honest-to-goodness truth: you don’t have to do it perfectly. You just have to keep trying. Because at its core, self-love isn’t about liking every single thing about yourself 24/7. It’s about recognizing your worth, even when you’re not at your best.

So, dear reader, here’s your reminder: Don’t wait for the world to hand you a reason to love yourself. You’re already worthy as you are—crumbs, chaos, kale smoothies, and all. Go ahead and claim it. Your story starts (and thrives) with you.