Sometimes, finding where you fit in this big, bustling world feels like trying to squeeze into your favorite pair of skinny jeans after quarantine—awkward, uncomfortable, and a little self-defeating. As someone who deeply values connection and community, I spent years searching for “my people,” that elusive tribe of humans who truly make you feel seen, heard, and celebrated. Spoiler alert: It wasn’t always smooth sailing. But once I found them, I discovered something game-changing—not just about my people, but about myself.

So, here’s the story of how I got there and, maybe, how you can, too.

Why Finding “Your People” Feels So Hard

Imagine dating but for friendships or a sense of belonging. It’s basically the same rollercoaster—moments of awkward small talk, wondering if they like you as much as you like them, and an occasional “Oh no, not this energy” moment. The quest to find your tribe often comes with self-doubt and rejection. I get that. Our culture amplifies the idea that everyone should already have an Instagram-worthy squad by age 25, sipping bottomless mimosas and vacationing in matching swimsuits.

But let’s be honest: Most of us are just trying to figure out what energy we want to surround ourselves with. Whether it’s your favorite co-worker, the mom in your kid’s class, or that one neighbor who understands your obsession with '90s R&B, good fit friendships—and communities—take time.

For me, it felt even more complicated because I kept thinking those spaces already existed, and I was the one who didn’t belong. Growing up in Charleston, I had deep roots but struggled to find people who "got" all of me—the bookworm, creative soul who writes and daydreams, but also laughs way too hard at bad rom-coms. It wasn’t until I learned a few essential lessons that things started to shift.

Lesson 1: You Don’t Have to Be All Things to All People

In my twenties, I thought connecting with people meant shapeshifting—adapting my personality to match their vibe. With one group, I acted like I cared deeply about every new indie coffee shop opening in town. With another, I pretended to know the entire Marvel cinematic universe so I wouldn’t look “out of the loop.” Exhausting? Absolutely. Effective? Not one bit.

It took a teary conversation with my older cousin—a woman who has the wisdom of Oprah but the side-eye of Serena Williams—to get this through my head. She reminded me: When you water yourself down, the people who’d actually love your full, messy, marvelous self don’t get a chance to see you. That changed the game.

Takeaway: Stop auditioning. People who genuinely belong in your life will appreciate your quirks and flaws—even the ones you’d rather hide. Be authentically, unapologetically you, and the right folks will vibe with that energy.

Lesson 2: Start With Where You Already Feel Comfortable

My first real breakthrough came during a jazz night at a Charleston café. A live band was wailing, the crowd was swaying, and I found myself impulsively striking up a conversation with a woman who complemented my headwrap. What followed was a long talk about everything: cultural heritage, favorite low-country recipes, and why Aretha Franklin’s version of “Bridge Over Troubled Water” deserved more recognition. I walked away thinking, “Where has this been my whole life?”

Turns out, when you put yourself in environments that naturally reflect your values and interests, connections flow much more easily. It doesn’t have to be a fancy event. Maybe it’s volunteering for an organization you believe in, hosting a casual book club, or that ceramics class you’ve been low-key Googling for months. Your people are often hanging out in spaces that already feel comfortable to you.

Takeaway: Find common ground—whether it’s art, activism, sports, or church potlucks—and let those shared passions start the conversation.

Lesson 3: Boundaries Are Key (Yes, Even in Friendships)

For years, I confused “having a community” with “saying yes to everything and everyone.” Wobbly boundaries? I had those in spades. My worst case? That one friend-of-a-friend who invited herself to Thanksgiving dinner, showed up four hours late, and didn’t contribute a single dish. Bless her heart.

Let’s be real: Not every connection leads to “your people,” and that’s okay. Some folks might be kind but not compatible. Others might drain your energy faster than a bad date at a karaoke bar. I learned to protect my mental space by asking: Do these interactions feel mutual and affirming? Or do I leave feeling drained?

Takeaway: Cultivating healthy, reciprocal relationships is more important than pleasing everyone. Boundaries aren’t walls—they’re gates you control. Use them.

Lesson 4: Celebrate the Small Wins

Finding your tribe doesn’t mean one dramatic “aha!” moment where you suddenly have a dozen besties who’d rearrange their lives for you. (Unless you’re starring in a Shonda Rhimes drama, of course.) More often, it’s about building smaller, meaningful connections over time.

I think about the group of girlfriends I now laugh, cry, and brunch with regularly. Each of them entered my life in scattered ways—a classmate-turned-coffee-buddy here, a chance meet-up at a Gullah festival there. None of it felt major at first, but each moment of connection slowly wove into the support system I always wished for.

Takeaway: Don’t put pressure on yourself to build an entire tribe overnight. Each genuine connection is a stepping stone, and every bond matters.

Lesson 5: Let Yourself Be Found

I probably wouldn’t have met half “my people” if I stayed curled up in my writing nook, watching Living Single reruns on loop (though that does sound like an excellent Friday night). Putting yourself out there—vulnerability and all—is hard. It’s also necessary.

Whether it’s striking up conversations at events or messaging someone who seems like your vibe, remember: Most people are just as nervous as you. As intimidating as it feels, letting yourself be open to connection is the quickest route to finding the community you crave. And listen, if Beyoncé can release Renaissance with no fear of judgment, you can absolutely attend that meetup solo.

Takeaway: Show up, say hi, and trust that you’re enough as you are. The right people won’t overlook that.

Final Thoughts: Your Connections Reflect Your Growth

Here’s the funny part: The more I sat with the idea of “finding my people,” the more I realized the journey often mirrored my own self-growth. Sure, I’ve stumbled, doubted myself, and picked up some questionable social habits along the way (like thinking I needed to join a week-long yoga retreat to “seem interesting”—what was that?).

But ultimately, building authentic community is one of the best gifts you can give yourself. It’s a reminder that, even in a huge and messy world, there are people you’re meant to connect with. Your only job is to keep showing up and holding space for the magic to happen.

So, cheers to finding your people—and, more importantly, to finding yourself in the process. Let’s normalize making friendships just as full of spark as romantic love stories. And if your search takes a little longer than expected? Well, take it from someone who’s been there: The wait is worth it. Always.