I once read that finding your tribe is like picking out a favorite mug. Intriguing, yes? It’s the one you reach for every morning — comfortable, a little chipped on the handle, but perfect for your hands. The same idea applies to people: your tribe is the group that fits, flaws and all.

But finding them? Oh, that’s the trick, isn’t it? Sometimes, making friends as an adult feels harder than showing up to an advanced calculus class when you barely passed Algebra II. And look, I’m not going to pretend I have all the answers (I’m still figuring out how to keep my houseplants alive), but over the years, I’ve learned a thing or two about building my people—the kind of friendships that echo a big exhale after holding your breath all day.

So, if you’ve been wandering the social desert of adulthood, endlessly scrolling Instagram while muttering “must be nice” at photos of cottage weekends and Friendsgiving dinners, I see you. Let’s talk about how to unearth your very own tribe.

Start with What (and Where) You Love

I grew up surrounded by art — adobe walls, the smell of aged paintbrushes, and the faint hum of an old radio in my parents’ gallery. It didn’t occur to me until much later that this environment shaped me in ways I didn’t fully understand. The people who "got me" weren’t just random connections; they were kindred souls already lingering in these shared spaces.

The lesson here? Your passions can guide you. Love pottery? Join a local class. Collect comic books? Hit up that niche meetup downtown (bonus if they have snacks). When you show up in spaces that light you up, you’ll naturally find people who are there for the same reasons. They’ll see you arranging paint swatches or nerding out over rare vinyls and think, “Oh, this one speaks my language.” Proximity breeds connection.

Embrace Small Talk. Really.

Look, as someone who spent a few too many formative years yearning for “deep connections only” (cue dramatic diary entries), I used to treat small talk like an enemy I had to battle. I wanted to skip straight to the soul stuff — dreams, fears, favorite childhood memories. But here’s the thing: small talk is the thread that eventually weaves a bigger tapestry. It’s the “nice weather we’re having” conversations and innocent jokes about the stale coffee that build trust one blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment at a time.

Case in point: my closest friend was once just a fellow early riser at my neighborhood coffee shop. At first, we only talked about the pros and cons of oat milk. Now, we send each other memes at 1 a.m. and can instantly translate each other’s sighs over nachos. So say hello to people. Ask what they’re reading. Compliment their excellent soundtrack of sad indie music. You never know where it’ll lead.

Cultivate Curiosity (and Stop Waiting for Invitations)

The turning point for me came at a poetry reading right after college. I didn’t know a soul there — I only went because I’d decided I wanted to be one of those moody, mysterious women in turtlenecks who confidently sip red wine while talking about metaphors. (Spoiler: not my vibe, but I applaud the effort.) During the Q&A, I asked the kind of awkward question that probably sounded much better in my head. Instead of laughing at me (mercifully), the woman next to me turned and said, “That was an honest question. Let’s grab coffee sometime.”

Did we become instant besties? No. But we did bond over our shared love of poetry and roasted green chile, and I still count her among the first adults who taught me: you don’t get people by waiting in a corner for them to approach you. Be boldly curious. Compliment someone’s expression. Ask for book recommendations. People like being noticed—it’s a deeply human trait.

Ditch the Pinterest Perfectionism

Okay, let’s address the elephant in the article: social media expectations. Somewhere along the way, we started thinking that forming a tribe means creating this idyllic, laugh-until-we-cry group dynamic plucked straight from an early-2000s rom-com montage. But real friendship doesn’t look like the glossy kind you can arrange for a Boomerang.

In reality? Your group chat might be messy, with replies hours or days apart. The dinner party may feature mismatched silverware, and someone will absolutely overcook at least one dish. Your tribe might not even look like a group so much as a patchwork of individual one-on-one connections. Guess what? That’s okay. Perfection is a trap that steals the joy from authenticity. Let your people show up however they are—messy and real—just like you do.

Trim the Baggage, Guilt-Free

Not every connection is meant to last forever. When I first started curating my tribe, I carried this sense of obligation—like I had to hold on to every friendship I’d ever made, no matter how much we’d grown apart. But here’s the truth: people don’t have to stay your people when they stop fitting your life.

That doesn’t mean writing someone off dramatically (unless they’re genuinely toxic, in which case, I fully endorse a polite but decisive exit). It simply means prioritizing the relationships that bring you joy and growth. There are chapters in every story—it’s okay to end one and begin the next.

Be Honest About Loneliness

Somewhere between the glamour of Instagram and the “grind culture” of adulthood, admitting to loneliness has almost become taboo. But the reality is, loneliness is a part of life. I won’t sugarcoat it — I’ve had seasons where I felt invisible, like I was wandering a crowded museum and only staring at empty frames. What has helped me is owning that feeling instead of pretending I’m fine (and suppressing it with yet another aimless Netflix binge). There’s no weakness in saying, “I want people.” It’s brave to seek community.

Callbacks to Nature (Because, Duh, Santa Fe Kid Here)

Here’s a metaphor for you: finding people is like planting a garden. You have to start with healthy soil—your authentic self—and be patient, nurturing those early connections without expecting instant results. Some seeds won’t sprout; others will surprise you with their beauty years later. Not every flower blooms the same way, but when they do, oh, how they transform the landscape of your life.

Also, water the friendships you want to keep. (Literally and figuratively — hydrating folks is always a power move.)

An Encouraging Nudge for the Road

If there’s one takeaway, let it be this: your people are out there. You might have to sift through some mismatches, endure a little awkwardness, and say “yes” to that potluck full of strangers, but they exist. They’re waiting for someone like you, just as human and imperfect as they are.

So take the risk. Start small. Join that book club, wave at your neighbor, or simply text someone you haven’t talked to in a while. You never know—your future favorite mug might just be sitting on the shelf, waiting to be picked up.